Well, there are four weeks left until I leave for Germany. Yesterday I gave the okay on my business cards to hand out and shirts are ordered. In the past couple weeks I have been asked numerous times, "Do you have any big plans for the summer?" or "What are you doing this summer?" Of course I responded with "Well, I've got a few school projects to do in the next month, and then I'm going to Germany through 4-H." In the end, I typically explain what IFYE is and that I'm going to stay with host families. As I said in my last post, I have very little information other than that I will probably be staying with three different families while I am there. I do not know what part(s) of Germany I will be going to, or what I will be doing with the families other than the fact that I will be helping out with chores and hopefully getting to see different sights with my families. That alone is a difficult concept for me to still be patient in the "not knowing" field. As I have said before, it is a concept I am learning to give up to God, but it is becoming increasingly difficult as I get closer to the trip.
But then I get the response: "wow, you are so brave!"-meaning to travel on my own to another country, to just let go of the "not knowing" the details of the trip. Well, obviously I haven't let go of the not knowing part very well, but to say I'm brave? I don't feel very brave at all. Rather, I feel very uncertain. I feel as if I don't know if I'm strong enough to go and do this, can I travel alone to meet people I don't know, and in a language I speak very little of? As my departure date draws nearer I am filled with excitement, with uncertainties, and with some fear/anxiety. There is so much yet to determine and to prepare, at times it is almost overwhelming to think about. Am I truly "brave" as so many people have told me? I don't think so, or well, I don't think "brave" is the correct term. Adventurous? Maybe. Traveler? Yes. But "brave"? no I am not brave, I am not brave like so many of the people in the bible-Mary comes to mind first. I know I am meant to go on this trip, I know God will teach me many things through this trip just as He does in everyday life and has in so many ways already this year I am only beginning to digest & process those lessons, but I am so uncertain. Uncertain of what to expect and what's to come. Maybe that in and of itself is another lesson that I am still learning. You would think that maybe in college I would have learned this lesson by now, especially in moving as teaching in a new place and living with a new roommate and everything, but to trust God completely with every little thing-yeah that I am still working on. A part of me wonders if it is something that I will work on my whole life amongst other small lessons along the way.
How was it that Mary was able to trust God so easily? In that moment when the Angel Gabriel appeared to her. I know she must have had many doubts and fears, but she chose to trust, she chose to follow, and all so easily. At least that's how the stories make it sound. Maybe to trust God is an easy choice, but to live it out day to day without question, without fear, is the difficulty. And yet I strongly believe that through our doubts and our fears and our questioning that we pursue a deeper relationship with God, we learn what it means to trust Him wholeheartedly through each phase, and we are reminded of why we are His.
To trust God as Mary did, or as Jesus did, or as Paul did while in jail-those are three examples of people who were brave. I am not brave as these three were, but I am learning to trust and become brave as they were.
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