So I have been dreading writing this blog. Writing about
having to leave a country and people you have grown to care so much for is
incredibly hard. The intense emotions that come with departing are tough to
grasp and often I found myself torn apart, similar to my recital or leaving
college, as it seems so final-especially not knowing the next time I will see
these people again, but I think I am getting ahead of myself, so I’ll rewind.
Debriefing: So there were three of us leaving at the same time from Germany,
so there was a debriefing for us at Bettina’s house. If any of this is a repeat
from my last blog, entshuldigund. Friday morning I got up at my last host families house just
like everyday. We were behind because we had all been up a little bit later the
night before, especially Talina. We got Talina to school, and she actually said
bye easily this time. We went back to the house and ate breakfast, I finished
up packing and my last blog, and then we went to pick up Talina, and drive to
Bettina’s house. We got there, and before we even got out of the car I saw
Hanna, a fellow IFYE from Finland also going through the debriefing. I
introduced everyone, and then we took my luggage to Hanna’s and my room. Then
lunch then off to Oldenburg for the day with Oystein (IFYE from Norway) and
Hanna. Prior to going to Oldenburg, I had to say goodbye to Ines and Talina
(Bjarne was sleeping). And this goodbye was hard, I had grown to feel so much
at home here in three and half weeks that I just didn’t want to say goodbye.
Maybe what makes it more difficult is the not knowing when I would see them all
again. It was actually helpful to go to Oldenburg to take my mind off of having
to say goodbye.
In Oldenburg we walked to the castle-which is now a museum
from early times to current. We only went up to the 1960’s or 70s as we were
tired of walking through the whole museum. From there we got a snack, visited a
few stores and bought a few final souvenirs, before getting ice cream….and then
ran into trouble getting back. So as we were eating ice cream no one was
watching time. All the sudden I realized we had like maybe ten minutes to get
to the train station. Hanna had yet to finish her ice cream and we were able to
get it to go. We raced to the train station but right as we got near we
realized we were going to miss our train. Hanna calls her friend, but they
don’t have enough seats in the car, so we ended up taking a taxi back to the
house. And we were supposed to be the guests of a party, so we were trying to
be back on time which didn’t happen. BUT that was okay, because all the other
guests were late, and this made for a great story to tell over and over that
evening at the dinner party.
Saturday was a lot of discussion and the debriefing portion
of the weekend. That evening we each made food from our home countries and ate
a meal together with Neele and Till (IFYE Alumni). I made Sloppy Joes, and I
did have to alter the recipe a little bit, but it still tastes good. That
evening we rode bikes to a friend’s house to see their Startbuck’s mugs
collection, and then went back and cleaned. We all split early in order to be
able to get up early to go to the fish market the following morning. 
We arose
bright and early (before 4 am) and drove an hour and a half to go to the fish
market in Hamburg. The fish market is definitely a sight to see. It starts at 6
am and ends a few hours later. We got there about 630am, and there were people
already leaving-granted these were the people who had stayed out partying all
night and then went to the fish market for food and to buy stuff and go home.
Regardless, the market was packed. There are vendors just filling bags with
stuff, and then selling it for 10 or 15 or 20 euros which is a great deal on
fruit, pasta, candy, ect. About halfway
through the market we stopped to get breakfast. Unknowingly I ordered a
sandwich with raw meat. The meat is only good for 12 hours and so must be eaten
fresh. Believe it or not, but it was not slimy and it actually tasted pretty
good-and no I did not get sick! At the end there is also a building where two
stages on either side are set up. As one band takes a break, another band
plays. It was fun to listen to one band perform, as I knew almost every song
since they were classic rock songs! We mainly stayed in the building long
enough to warm up from the cool morning air. Around 8am, Bettina took Oystein
to the airport and to drop my bags off at the hotel I would stay at overnight.
In the meantime, Jens, Hanna, and I walked around the fish market, then through
the Elbe Tunnel which goes under the water to the other side. Kinda crazy to
think that we were walking under water! But also so cool! After a late morning snack,
it was time to say goodbye to my friends as Bettina and Jens had to take Hanna
to the airport so she could also go home. I got a train ticket for the entire
day and continued to explore Hamburg on my own. I was able to find the Brahms
Museum, and the Teleman Museum right next door! (If you don’t recognize the
names they are famous musicians who were originally from Germany and from
Hamburg area). Anyway I also then went to the St. Michael’s Church before going
back to the hotel.
FYI-This section next
section is in present tense as I wrote it the last night I was in Germany.
So in leaving there are thousands of emotions that a person
goes through. I am not even going to try going through a few as they are so
different for everyone. For me, coming-there was nervousness and excitement.
But leaving….that is something incredibly different. Each goodbye I have said
this weekend, has increased the emotional buildup. Every day I either had tears
in my eyes or were drawn to tears. Early today, I said my final goodbyes to
Bettina, Jens, and Hanna. I am staying in Hamburg overnight as they took Hanna
to Bremen for her plane and then Bettina and Jens split to their separate
homes. As I walked away this afternoon I took several deep breaths to keep
control of myself. I found my way around the city, and gained confidence as I
did so. But somewhere along the way, the emotional ups and downs of the weekend
started to really hit home. As I made my way back to officially check into the
hotel (Bettina had already dropped my bags off at the airport), I was fighting
tears constantly. In the train ride, walking in the terminal trying to find the
way to go in order to get to my hotel. By the time, I go to ask for directions
(which is the best thing to do!) I was fighting tears pretty constant. I felt
like I was going to have to start telling people I was okay, just very
bittersweet as I prepared to leave. I didn’t even think that I would be able to write anything. I literally was
going to put on facebook, “tomorrow I leave Germany, I can’t say much as my
emotions are out of control, so while I am excited to see those I love, I also
will miss those I love here. Thank you all, and I look forward to seeing you
again”. Well maybe that would be enough, I realized this evening coming back
for the final time, that I need to write down my story. I need to share what is
going on, the struggles I am having and the battling emotions.
As soon as I got my luggage to my room, I headed back to the
city as there was supposed to be an organ concert at the St. Michael’s Kirche,
and I thought it would be neat to go. Well I was already running late, but this
gentleman stopped me along the way and asked me a question-problem-Ich Weiss
ein bischen Deustch. I started to tell him I didn’t know what he said, but he
didn’t understand that, and finally I remembered “Ich verstehe nicht”-and then
it made sense. We talked about why I was there and a little of where he has
been in the USA. But here’s the reason this story is included: when he stopped
me-I had been crying, full blown crying-this time I was unable to keep my
emotions under control. I was talking to myself-I knew that this was okay. It
is normal to have crazy emotions after an experience like this, I should
know-much of the emotional turmoil I have felt of the push and pull is similar
to the emotional pull that my senior recital had on me-but I’ve been able to
eat better this time. But here’s the thing-at first I had my sunglasses on, so
my eyes were hidden, but I felt that I needed to remove my glasses, so I did
and then had to wipe the tears away and explain that I was crying because it is
hard. To which, he said yes it is, it is bittersweet to leave (not in so many
words-this was probably the first conversation I have fully had without having
someone who could translate there for me, and so we figured it out together). At
that point, it was like, okay I can be sad, I can be happy randomly, I just
need to be, I need to experience the emotions instead of trying to block them.
I can only think that God put him there to help me out. In many ways God has
been already working to help me with leaving here and returning home over the
past few days. He gave me something to do for the Afternoon on Friday, and at
times I wish I could have stayed with my host family longer, but others I
go-I’m glad we could go to Oldenburg because it helped to distract me a little
bit that day. But those are just examples. Some of the emotions I have gone
through: nervousness, panic, anxious, happy, joyous, lively, scared, -you named
and I’ve probably experience it on this trip. Is that a bad thing? Nope, it
opens yourself up to yourself and those around you. I feel as if I am
rambling-earlier as I was walking I could organize my thoughts easily and
wanted my computer, sadly the computer was in the room where I could not get to
it, so if these seems somewhat repetitive-I apologize as I write.
Tonight God also led me to get excited about teaching again.
With this experience, I have put all my schoolwork aside so that I could fully
enjoy Germany. Up until today, I was not excited for school to begin, but in
thinking-I miss my students too. I am excited to go back and start working with
the students and getting started on the new songs. I am even suddenly excited
to work on drills for Tuesday evening. What this all means is that God is
leading me through. Typcially I hate being in a hotel alone, but I am more
comfortable than ever. So what’s my secret? Trust. I struggle to trust God, but
instead of thinking-I immediately asked for help. And I have held onto that
forever. When you travel your fears show up right away. Here in Deutschland I
have had to trust very quickly-trust the organization, Bettina, Ines, people
you ask for help, and generally its all good. I have been lucky here in Germany
for finding what we need. This evening as I went to the church, I learned it
was a special modern service by the youth. I thought okay this might be
interesting-problem, I can’t understand enough to follow-I did try, and it
didn’t work. I felt like that was the wrong place to be, but I had seen a
garden. I think that was when I decided to talk with God and praise him for
everything. And that seemed to be a good ending to my evening in Hamburg.
Flying home the next day, went very smoothly and I was greeted by my family
(minus my older sister) at the airport in Wichita. I was incredibly tired,
almost to the point that if I had been asked to walk a straight line, I think I
would have failed. I mean by now I had been up for almost 30 hours! Regardless,
I was thankful for easy travels back home to the USA and to see my family, and
later my puppy again.
Debriefing weekend was a weekend of a lot of goodbyes or as
I would prefer to call them “see you laters”.
As easy as the words are to say, the emotions that go with them are not.
I will miss my host families and friends that I have made. You are all in my heart and I will carry you with me every day. I look forward to the day when
I can return and visit and to the day that they hopefully come to visit the USA
and maybe I can show them around where I live. Thank you all so much for a
fantastic experience!
No comments:
Post a Comment